I'm facing times of self-doubt. When I feel that the tasks I have on hand seem to be bigger than me. I feel on the verge of failure and it's scaring the hell out of me.
I've always been confident in work. This time, though, it feels different.
Why am I here? Why did He put me in this position? I am searching for reasons but the answers have yet to be revealed to me.
For the moment, I just look to my son for inspiration. To give me the drive to surmount the obstacles. Because at this point in time, I really have no choice but to swallow my fears, not to give in to despair and frustration, and to tell myself that I have to succeed no matter what.
I can do this. I can do this. I really, really can do this.
For my son.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
1st Day After the 31st
It's my first day of work after my 31st birthday.
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Monday, March 5, 2007
Heartbreaks
I've had a lot of heartbreaks over the last couple of weeks.
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
Thursday, November 9, 2006
A New Milestone
Another milestone has been added to my son's "resume": he's just been baptized last November 5...he's now officially a member of the Roman Catholic flock.
The baptism was held at Christ the King Parish, and the reception at Gerry's Grill. There was a pretty good turn-out in terms of attendance; most of the sponsors and other expected guests arrived, although there were a handful of no-shows. Some had work that day; most others were sick (I don't know what's wrong with the atmosphere now, there are so many sick people...in fact, my son just recently bounced back from a nasty cold).
My son's recuperation came just in time for the occasion...he was in such high spirits that day, as if he instinctively felt that it was a big day for him. He gamely went with anyone and everyone who wanted to carry him or play with him. In fact, he only took one short nap (around 30 minutes long), presumably just to recharge. After that, it was playtime all over again! And his photo ops, he's such a charmer for the camera...his sponsors were telling me how my son visibly loves the lens, he just looks directly into it and lets his adorable self shine through. That's my boy!
Speaking of photos, my only regret was that I forgot to take pictures of all the sponsors in front of the altar! Neither did we take pictures with our respective families! For someone as obssessive-compulsive as I am, that's just a disaster! So now, I just have a handful of photographs to speak of and to put in my albums. Sigh. But my husband just comforted me by saying that the most important thing is that he got baptized...small comfort for me, but bless his soul for knowing when to say the right thing...
It was a wonderful day for our family, we really enjoyed it. The ceremony went well, the food was great, my son was so well-behaved and sooooo charming...despite the lack of photographs to document it, I would like to think that the day was a major success!
Now my son is enjoying the beautiful gifts he received from his sponsors. He has a gazillion toys to be busy with right now, and he even has a high chair (something we've thought of getting, thank goodness we didn't get one yet; at least, we can spend the money on other things he needs).
So now that we got that over with, we're getting ready for his next big milestone: his first-ever Christmas =)
The baptism was held at Christ the King Parish, and the reception at Gerry's Grill. There was a pretty good turn-out in terms of attendance; most of the sponsors and other expected guests arrived, although there were a handful of no-shows. Some had work that day; most others were sick (I don't know what's wrong with the atmosphere now, there are so many sick people...in fact, my son just recently bounced back from a nasty cold).
My son's recuperation came just in time for the occasion...he was in such high spirits that day, as if he instinctively felt that it was a big day for him. He gamely went with anyone and everyone who wanted to carry him or play with him. In fact, he only took one short nap (around 30 minutes long), presumably just to recharge. After that, it was playtime all over again! And his photo ops, he's such a charmer for the camera...his sponsors were telling me how my son visibly loves the lens, he just looks directly into it and lets his adorable self shine through. That's my boy!
Speaking of photos, my only regret was that I forgot to take pictures of all the sponsors in front of the altar! Neither did we take pictures with our respective families! For someone as obssessive-compulsive as I am, that's just a disaster! So now, I just have a handful of photographs to speak of and to put in my albums. Sigh. But my husband just comforted me by saying that the most important thing is that he got baptized...small comfort for me, but bless his soul for knowing when to say the right thing...
It was a wonderful day for our family, we really enjoyed it. The ceremony went well, the food was great, my son was so well-behaved and sooooo charming...despite the lack of photographs to document it, I would like to think that the day was a major success!
Now my son is enjoying the beautiful gifts he received from his sponsors. He has a gazillion toys to be busy with right now, and he even has a high chair (something we've thought of getting, thank goodness we didn't get one yet; at least, we can spend the money on other things he needs).
So now that we got that over with, we're getting ready for his next big milestone: his first-ever Christmas =)
Friday, October 27, 2006
Health Issues
My baby's sick =(
Nothing serious, really, just slight colds and cough according to the pediatrician. But of course it's still a sorry sight to see the little angel give out those coughs and sneezes...the bright side to that is he's such a brave boy, he's still smiling and happy despite the illness. And to think that it's only a couple of days before his baptism, sigh, poor baby.
He's got a new pediatrician, too. It's good that we found one just a block away from the house, a doctor who holds clinic 5 times a week in the afternoons. I just got fed up with his old pediatrician, who's only available like thrice a week for two hours per day -- and who never comes on time either! I got so mad yesterday because it's my baby's first time to be sick, and it's a sorry coincidence that she chose that day to get sick, too.
Okay, okay, I know doctors fall victim to ailments, too...but who can blame a first-time mommy like me for overreacting? So now I'm in the process of debating whether I should continue seeing the old pediatrician to continue with my son's immunization, at the very least, or to completely switch allegiance and see this new doctor whom I've never seen, but whom ironically I trust more than the old one. Mother's instinct? Maybe...
This new doctor found something of concern in my baby. Generally, my son's very, very healthy; in fact, she got surprised when she found out that this was his first bout with the cold. But she found a bilateral hydrocele in his balls. I researched this over the net and found it to be a normal condition among baby boys, and that it should resolve itself before he blows out his first birthday candle.
I'm praying that it DOES resolve itself, I don't want my perfect little baby to suffer any medical conditions at this early age...
Nothing serious, really, just slight colds and cough according to the pediatrician. But of course it's still a sorry sight to see the little angel give out those coughs and sneezes...the bright side to that is he's such a brave boy, he's still smiling and happy despite the illness. And to think that it's only a couple of days before his baptism, sigh, poor baby.
He's got a new pediatrician, too. It's good that we found one just a block away from the house, a doctor who holds clinic 5 times a week in the afternoons. I just got fed up with his old pediatrician, who's only available like thrice a week for two hours per day -- and who never comes on time either! I got so mad yesterday because it's my baby's first time to be sick, and it's a sorry coincidence that she chose that day to get sick, too.
Okay, okay, I know doctors fall victim to ailments, too...but who can blame a first-time mommy like me for overreacting? So now I'm in the process of debating whether I should continue seeing the old pediatrician to continue with my son's immunization, at the very least, or to completely switch allegiance and see this new doctor whom I've never seen, but whom ironically I trust more than the old one. Mother's instinct? Maybe...
This new doctor found something of concern in my baby. Generally, my son's very, very healthy; in fact, she got surprised when she found out that this was his first bout with the cold. But she found a bilateral hydrocele in his balls. I researched this over the net and found it to be a normal condition among baby boys, and that it should resolve itself before he blows out his first birthday candle.
I'm praying that it DOES resolve itself, I don't want my perfect little baby to suffer any medical conditions at this early age...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
A Whole New World
A whole new world was just opened to my son last Monday...he's just had his first taste of solid food!
Of course, if you look at his food, one really wonders what there is to be rejoicing about...after all, it's just watery rice cereal that tastes like...well, watery cereal. But looking at his expression after taking his first spoonful, he might as well have been eating creme brulee -- he was just so ecstatic!
He's now on his fourth day of solids, so I gave him a treat and let him try some squash. What's nice about my son, I'm discovering, is that he's not afraid to try new food. I've read a lot of times in several write-ups that mommies have to brace themselves to the reality that most kids don't like new food. They further said that this is especially normal in babies who are just beginning to eat. So here I am, prepared for my son to spit up his first few bites and for his little tummy to start acting up on the new things that are making their way in...luckily, our experience was the exact opposite.
My son couldn't have been any more angelic than in those moments when I was offering him spoonfuls of baby food! What's more, his tummy didn't have any adverse reactions to the newly-introduced food. I'm just praying that my son (and his tiny tummy) will continue on with the good behavior.
So now I'm thinking of all the exciting things to feed his growing appetite: apples, pears, bananas, peas, sweet potatoes, carrots, chicken...I don't know who's more excited, me or my son!
This morning, after I've fed him his squash and was watching him take a bath in his tub (another thing he truly enjoys), I was left in awe of his ability to find the most intense pleasure in the simplest things: the splash of the water on his tiny fingers, the texture of the baby food on his little mouth, the funny sound from his rubber duckie...things like that. It's just wonderful to be in touch with another human being with emotions so pure, so eager, so open, that it makes me think...it's not just my son who's experiencing a whole new world right now.
He just opened an entire horizon for me.
Of course, if you look at his food, one really wonders what there is to be rejoicing about...after all, it's just watery rice cereal that tastes like...well, watery cereal. But looking at his expression after taking his first spoonful, he might as well have been eating creme brulee -- he was just so ecstatic!
He's now on his fourth day of solids, so I gave him a treat and let him try some squash. What's nice about my son, I'm discovering, is that he's not afraid to try new food. I've read a lot of times in several write-ups that mommies have to brace themselves to the reality that most kids don't like new food. They further said that this is especially normal in babies who are just beginning to eat. So here I am, prepared for my son to spit up his first few bites and for his little tummy to start acting up on the new things that are making their way in...luckily, our experience was the exact opposite.
My son couldn't have been any more angelic than in those moments when I was offering him spoonfuls of baby food! What's more, his tummy didn't have any adverse reactions to the newly-introduced food. I'm just praying that my son (and his tiny tummy) will continue on with the good behavior.
So now I'm thinking of all the exciting things to feed his growing appetite: apples, pears, bananas, peas, sweet potatoes, carrots, chicken...I don't know who's more excited, me or my son!
This morning, after I've fed him his squash and was watching him take a bath in his tub (another thing he truly enjoys), I was left in awe of his ability to find the most intense pleasure in the simplest things: the splash of the water on his tiny fingers, the texture of the baby food on his little mouth, the funny sound from his rubber duckie...things like that. It's just wonderful to be in touch with another human being with emotions so pure, so eager, so open, that it makes me think...it's not just my son who's experiencing a whole new world right now.
He just opened an entire horizon for me.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Eating Plans
Recently, my husband was diagnosed as having a gall bladder stone, among other things. In his blood chemistry, it was also revealed to us that he has high cholesterol, high uric acid levels, elevated bilirubin count, etc. The only thing that's low in his blood is the good cholesterol, how's that?
Sure, it sounds like a lot of bad news for us; in fact, we were left staring off into space and half-listening to the doctor's litanies. We consulted several other doctors, including a cardiologist and a nutritionist, to help my hubby shape up.
The original doctor we consulted -- a surgeon -- did not give us a lot of hope. Predictably, he advised immediate surgery (what else would he be good for if he did not have any patients to open up, right?). Particularly, it was laparoscopic surgery he was gunning for, a type of microsurgery that would cost us an arm and a leg -- not to mention my husband's gallbladder.
We did a lot of research, and right now, though we are preparing ourselves for the eventuality of surgery, his gallbladder is behaving rather well. Maybe it's too attached to my husband and doesn't want to be removed anytime soon?
The learning curve comes in when it comes to my husband's meals. Dear Lord, I never realized that planning for meals was so stressful! Ever since we lived together, I had an idea that, per se, plotting out food everyday is really hard. But add to that his dietary restrictions -- low-fat, low-carbohydrate and low-purine -- Jesus, he might as well eat paper.
So now, I'm obssessed with websites that will offer us alternatives to his daily fare of pasta in garlic, olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes.
I'm just hoping that my husband's condition will improve, and that surgery will not really be required. I'm just not comfortable with the thought of him losing an organ, no matter how many doctors and specialists claim that it serves no real, life-altering purpose...the irritating thing is that, how come nobody knows one's gallbladder exists until the day it starts to complain and you have to lose it?!?!?
And the irony to the situation is that, just as my husband's cutting off on his food, my son is about to start on solids. Oh well, at least that's something to look forward to.
Just realized, though, that that would also mean more meal planning. Oh great.
Sure, it sounds like a lot of bad news for us; in fact, we were left staring off into space and half-listening to the doctor's litanies. We consulted several other doctors, including a cardiologist and a nutritionist, to help my hubby shape up.
The original doctor we consulted -- a surgeon -- did not give us a lot of hope. Predictably, he advised immediate surgery (what else would he be good for if he did not have any patients to open up, right?). Particularly, it was laparoscopic surgery he was gunning for, a type of microsurgery that would cost us an arm and a leg -- not to mention my husband's gallbladder.
We did a lot of research, and right now, though we are preparing ourselves for the eventuality of surgery, his gallbladder is behaving rather well. Maybe it's too attached to my husband and doesn't want to be removed anytime soon?
The learning curve comes in when it comes to my husband's meals. Dear Lord, I never realized that planning for meals was so stressful! Ever since we lived together, I had an idea that, per se, plotting out food everyday is really hard. But add to that his dietary restrictions -- low-fat, low-carbohydrate and low-purine -- Jesus, he might as well eat paper.
So now, I'm obssessed with websites that will offer us alternatives to his daily fare of pasta in garlic, olive oil and sun-dried tomatoes.
I'm just hoping that my husband's condition will improve, and that surgery will not really be required. I'm just not comfortable with the thought of him losing an organ, no matter how many doctors and specialists claim that it serves no real, life-altering purpose...the irritating thing is that, how come nobody knows one's gallbladder exists until the day it starts to complain and you have to lose it?!?!?
And the irony to the situation is that, just as my husband's cutting off on his food, my son is about to start on solids. Oh well, at least that's something to look forward to.
Just realized, though, that that would also mean more meal planning. Oh great.
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