Fragile

A couple of weeks back, three of our colleagues here at the network perished in a tragic accident, in the line of duty.

I don't want to discuss the details anymore because the facts have been discussed to death -- no pun intended -- and they bring back details too graphic for my own sanity (I've seen some pictures that I knew I should never have looked at...I want to hit my head for letting curiosity get the better of me...). What I want to discuss are the emotions stirred in all of us because of that event.

The sudden demise of someone, even if you barely know them, always comes as a shock. It gives one a sudden feeling of vulnerability, a kind of mortality that one doesn't normally pay attention to. The tragedy left us all thinking, "It could have been me." Morbid, I know, but, suddenly, we do not feel so invincible.

It also touched new and barely explored emotions in me, particularly those with relation to my new state of motherhood. In one mass I attended, where the deceased's respective families were present, my eyes were glued to the one-year-old daughter of the reporter. The irony of her situation -- her innocent laughter and coos echoing amidst the silence of tears and inexpressible grief -- certainly brought tears to my eyes. The eulogy of some of our colleagues did nothing to dry my eyes any...one of them recounted that, the moment he found out what happened, the first thing he did was to embrace his son tightly and think, I'm lucky to still be able to do that.

One of the worst fears of a parent, I have learned, is the possibility of leaving behind their children too soon. Or just simply leaving their children, period. At that moment, I thought, what if I left my son too soon? Who would take care of him? Who would provide for him? Would anybody be able to love him as much as I do? So many unspoken fears that I hope I never face, but I know that, at one point, I would have to come to terms with them, anyway.

I don't want to dwell on negative thoughts. Instead, I say a silent prayer of thanks each time I wake up and am able to lovingly kiss my son, to enjoy his playful laughter.

I realized all the more how fragile life is.