Fragile

A couple of weeks back, three of our colleagues here at the network perished in a tragic accident, in the line of duty.

I don't want to discuss the details anymore because the facts have been discussed to death -- no pun intended -- and they bring back details too graphic for my own sanity (I've seen some pictures that I knew I should never have looked at...I want to hit my head for letting curiosity get the better of me...). What I want to discuss are the emotions stirred in all of us because of that event.

The sudden demise of someone, even if you barely know them, always comes as a shock. It gives one a sudden feeling of vulnerability, a kind of mortality that one doesn't normally pay attention to. The tragedy left us all thinking, "It could have been me." Morbid, I know, but, suddenly, we do not feel so invincible.

It also touched new and barely explored emotions in me, particularly those with relation to my new state of motherhood. In one mass I attended, where the deceased's respective families were present, my eyes were glued to the one-year-old daughter of the reporter. The irony of her situation -- her innocent laughter and coos echoing amidst the silence of tears and inexpressible grief -- certainly brought tears to my eyes. The eulogy of some of our colleagues did nothing to dry my eyes any...one of them recounted that, the moment he found out what happened, the first thing he did was to embrace his son tightly and think, I'm lucky to still be able to do that.

One of the worst fears of a parent, I have learned, is the possibility of leaving behind their children too soon. Or just simply leaving their children, period. At that moment, I thought, what if I left my son too soon? Who would take care of him? Who would provide for him? Would anybody be able to love him as much as I do? So many unspoken fears that I hope I never face, but I know that, at one point, I would have to come to terms with them, anyway.

I don't want to dwell on negative thoughts. Instead, I say a silent prayer of thanks each time I wake up and am able to lovingly kiss my son, to enjoy his playful laughter.

I realized all the more how fragile life is.

Mommies in the House

I’ve just had some pleasant mommy chit-chat with some of my officemates. There’s sort of a baby boom here…a few months after I got pregnant, about three other officemates of mine suddenly confirmed their interesting conditions…! Hmm, I’d like to think that I’m sort of a trendsetter here…

It’s surprising how obsessed one can become with pregnancy and motherhood (well, assuming, of course, that you’re happy conceiving your little bundle of joy). We’d affably compare our experiences: the pregnant mommies would ask me what I went through when I was at the same stage as theirs, while those who have older kids would tell me about their experiences as new moms, as well as the things I should look forward to when my baby grows up.

And even as it’s now three months since I gave birth, I would still greedily sift through webpage after webpage on write-ups about pregnancy and parenting. I just couldn’t get enough information crammed in! The result…? I’m now scared to death that my little one could get SBS (I told the entire household to NEVER EVER shake the baby)…or he could be a victim of SIDS (I now obsessively remove any and all pillows around him when he sleeps, and I make sure he sleeps on his back. I’m also close to being an insomniac, just watching over him.)…I’m also wondering in retrospect whether he had acid reflux when he was two weeks old (he used to vomit out his milk in projectile, poor thing)…sigh…so many new fears are awakened in my highly-impressionable mommy brain!

But it’s not to say that I’m living in constant fear. In fact, I live for those moments when my son would surprise me with another one of his milestones. Yesterday, my mother-in-law showed me how he could now roll on his belly all by his little self. When he was about two months old, he showed the capacity to roll over, except that he couldn’t get his arm out from underneath his body…well, yesterday was a different story altogether, he could do it by himself now! My little boy is also becoming increasingly boisterous, enjoying all his toys and would only nap when he’s really, really worn out. Today, they showed me how he loved to sit up propped against the sofa (have some pictures and videos taken, to boot!). We also found out today that he now likes to sit up in his tub when he’s taking a bath, instead of lying down on the bath supporter. He’s growing up so fast!

I’m sure that, like most mothers, I tend to think that my baby is the smartest, most gifted little creature that was ever born this side of the planet. It’s simply amazing how many new things he can learn in the space of a few days. So now, I become increasingly agitated the longer I spend time at the office – it could only mean that I’m missing out on so many new feats!

But I’m glad that my little son is a lot more forgiving towards me than I am to myself. I’m elated that he always has a ready smile for me whenever he’s awake. He also coos delightedly at me whenever I speak to him, as if eagerly telling me about his entire day, happily sharing with me the little things that I’d missed.

I love my son beyond words. I love having a family. I love being a mom!