The Road to Giving Up

Smoking, that is. Sigh. I know it's a disgusting habit, but what can I do...? Habits are habits, and most of the time, they're bad and hard to break.

I actually succeeded quitting a few years back. This was January 2005, a few days after my bestie's wedding. Like the story of probably 70% of the other quitters in the world, I decided to kick the habit after I fell sick. I had a horrible episode of laryngitis...my throat felt like it was being sliced open when I swallow even just my spit. That, plus a most un-ladylike cough triggered by my allergic rhinitis, was motivation enough to keep from lighting up. And as hubby and I were planning for a wee one that year, both of us decided we should keep our paraphernalia under lock and key.

We should've hurled that key into the ocean. Two years later, a few months before my son blew his first birthday candle, I found myself in the corporate jungle. As some of you may know, this cat has prowled the creative side of the fence for more than a decade, and so finding myself crossing over to the other side was a bit of a nasty shock. The pressure was different. I felt a bit lost. I had a very exacting boss whom I wanted to poison (Good thing I didn't. He later became one of my most admired people, and a good friend, at that!). I had nothing to look at but my workstation and the four white walls surrounding it (no windows, WTH?!).

And so, mid-2007, I found solace from an old friend habit. I dug up my dusty lighter, flicked it to life, and took the most delicious drag from my first cigarette in two years. The worst thing about this is, since hubby and I share a brand, he found himself drifting towards my pack of reds and lighting up, as well. "Just one time," he said. Ahhh, I said that, too. Until now, I don't know anyone who was able to keep that promise of "just one time".

Fast forward to today, late 2010. I've tried quitting a couple of times but ended up raising the white flag ("just ONE time...") and inhaling the toxic fumes like a thirsty desert straggler would take his first gulp of ice-cold water. I realize it's toxic and that alone should keep me away. But even just writing about it is making me lust after a stick. Seriously addicted, I know.

So what's making me try quitting again?

Several reasons. For one, I read about a former classmate's struggle with lung cancer. She's my age, an excellent swimmer, a mother of one and - irony of ironies - a non-smoker. That last detail gave me a monster-sized guilt trip. Here I am, pumping stick after stick of carbon monoxide, nicotine, tar, and God knows what else into my (hopefully still) healthy lungs, and there she is, fighting a losing battle to breathe. She lives her life one day at a time, not knowing whether her respiratory functions will be okay each time she wakes up. I truly, deeply feel for her. I don't feel sorry for her because that's the last thing she needs, but I understand what it must feel when you know you'll leave your loved ones sooner than later. But I digress.

Secondly, I've really been wanting to kick the habit, evidenced by the many attempts this year. Like I said, it's just difficult when someone in your household is a smoker, and smokes the same brand as you do.

Lastly, a recent conversation with my boy led me to this. We went out to buy some ice-cream, and along with that, I purchased my usual pack of Mediums. As we were walking home and he was happily licking his popsicle, I took a drag and he asked innocently, "Mommy, why do you have to smoke?" I looked and him and said, "Well, it's a habit a have." So he asked me what a habit was, and as I explained it to him, he asked whether it was a good habit or a bad one.When I told him it's a bad habit, he asked, "So why are you still doing it?"

For the life of me, I couldn't come up with a decent answer. There really is no good reason for it. So I replied with a question, "Would you think about doing this when you grow up?" And, horrifyingly, he said, "Yeah, maybe I would. Just ONE time."

So that settled it. The last thing I want to be for my son is to be a poster child of bad habits. And, although I expected him to later on have this same habit (because he sees it from Mommy and Daddy), I have to be completely honest and say I'd rather he doesn't start. And I told him that. I told him, I'd rather you don't start because it's hard to stop.

So wish me luck this time. I hope I bury this habit soon.

P.S. It's been 24 hours since I last lit up. I'm feeling withdrawal signs, and I expect it to get worse. But I did this once before so I sincerely hope I can do it again!