Remembering

We owe you our hugs and kisses. We owe you a name. But, until we see each other someday, we will always remember you.

The Boss

I am dumbfounded at how I always seem to find the world's coolest and most amazing bosses around. I recently proved that yet again.

My birthday came two days after I found out the sad news. Notice I did not say "I celebrated my birthday..." (How could I, right?). But since it was still supposed to be my special day, the text messages arrived, the Facebook greetings appeared on my wall, the Twitter greetings were tweeted, calls came. I answered them all as cheerfully as I could. Most people probably thought I was having the time of my life, when in fact I spent the day hiding in my house, away from the rest of my family, entertaining myself with a DVD marathon of "Desperate Housewives", of all things.

Evening came. And so did a very heartwarming message from The Boss. He knew about my entire journey (mainly because I had the responsibility to inform him). Note that I had been away from work for almost a month by then.

He told me:

"Happy birthday, iluzionada! I know that given how things have been, it's not exactly an easy thing to do to be happy and celebratory. But birthdays are both celebrations of all things past and all things about to come. Wishing you many many blessings ahead, and may your birthday be filled with love and hope. God bless you, iluzionada :)"

A perfect, perfect message which I consider the start of my journey to healing.

I am still blessed. The Boss was and still is a wonderful person.

The Timeline

20 February 2012 was a special day. It was my best friend's birthday, and on the same day, I received the best news ever: I found out I was five weeks pregnant. I giddily looked at the two pink lines and shared the news with the people who mattered.

An answered prayer.

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Towards the beginning of my sixth week, I had an episode of slight spotting. Brownish, not red (sorry, TMI). I was trying not to panic and had the presence of mind to SMS my doctor. She advised immediate bed rest plus continued medication.

I immediately complied.

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A few days after the spotting episode, my doctor called me and told me to come in for an ultrasound. Now. I stilled my frantic heart and told myself she will take good care of us.

And she did.

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At the doctor's clinic, I looked at the monitor and the doctor explained that there was a subchorionic hemorrhage. Nothing to be alarmed over, but still, I needed to take it easy.

I also saw the beginnings of a tiny, tiny heartbeat. 109 beats per minute, to be exact. At that point, the shape was still unrecognisable, but the signs of life were unmistakable. I held the blurry pictures and felt my happiness spill over. I shared the moment with my husband and anybody else who cared to listen.

We were elated.

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I promised my little one that I will do everything to take care of him/her. I avoided too much movements and confined myself within my bed as much as I could (I even skipped dinner with an aunt who came home from the UK. Didn't want to take any chances). I took my medication religiously. I ate whatever I could (which wasn't much, considering I hated the smell of food. But I still tried my best to keep everything down.). I prayed for the little one.

And I also said, whatever happens: Your will be done.

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16 March 2012; two days before my 36th birthday. After weeks of staying at home, in bed, it was a full day for me. I was scheduled for laboratory tests: routine urinalysis, an oral glucose challenge test (OGCT) and a repeat ultrasound.

I took my lab results to my doctor and then went back down for the repeat ultrasound. Doc said she would wait for me so we can finish my consultation.

It was a day I wish had never come.

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I've discovered a few of the saddest things at the end of my 35th year.

Going into a hospital happy, optimistic, and expectant. Then going out a few hours later, empty, numb and devastated.

Looking at the first sonogram and remembering the beginnings of a tiny heartbeat. Then looking at the latest one and seeing that flatline.

Reading the words "good cardiac activity" the first time. Then hearing the words "fetal demise" and "pathologist" in one sentence and realising it was meant for you.

That sometimes the tears just won't stop. And you look at your husband's eyes and see your grief magnified a thousand times over. 

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We drove home in total, shocked silence. Our dreams were crushed, but we had no words to say it out loud.

I looked outside the car window and recalled the surreal experience at the hospital. The sonologist asking me what the baby's previous heartbeat was. Then telling me in a voice devoid of any emotion that there was no cardiac activity detected (he even showed me a flatline with the word "ABSENT" in all caps). I recalled how the world tipped slightly out of balance at that very moment; I thought, how could I tell my husband and my son? Was there anything I could have done differently? How can I "un-tell" everyone I shared the good news with?

WHY?

And as our car whizzed past a Jollibee store, I saw the happy red-and-yellow bee smiling at me. Mocking me for no reason at all. That's when I heard a loud cry of pain. Deep, inconsolable, primal.

And I realised it was me.

An Answered Prayer

My Divine Writer has spoken.

Guess that US trip needs to wait for a few more months.

Plans for 2012

Here's the deal. There are two things that I really, really want to do next year.

The first is to attend the NAB Show with hubby. For those who do not work in the same industry as I do, NAB is an annual event and is one of the - if not, THE - biggest exhibit for media practitioners. As far as I know, it is traditionally held at Las Vegas, Nevada every year. Aside from giving exclusive sneak peeks into the newest, most cutting-edge equipment from suppliers all over the world, they also provide the latest information on new media, IPTV, Video-on-Demand, etc. As their tagline sums it up, it's "Where Content Comes to Life." Visit this page if you want to learn more.

Okay, so that really isn't my purpose. Of course, it would be nice to visit the exhibit but I'm really more interested in the shopping and side trips (SO SUE ME!!!). This will be hubby's third time to visit the exhibit, if ever, and he's been wanting to bring me along for the longest time. First time around, we did not have any budget so that was out of the question. Last year, it was largely my fault because I waited until the last minute before I started thinking of my US Visa. So this year, I am starting early...in fact, I've already registered online as a participant. Which, in my opinion, is pretty good timing, considering I'm back working with a broadcast company.

Shopping/side trips notwithstanding, the main reason I want to go the US is to settle some personal issues. It's not really for sharing, but for the very select who knows where I'm coming from, this trip would really mean a lot to me.

The second thing I want to do by 2012 is to have another baby. Figured it's about time we give our son a sibling. After all, it's really lonely to be an only child, and in all honesty, I can see how much our son is yearning to have someone his own age around the house. I also want to have a baby with the same Eastern astrology sign like I do...I'm thinking a double Dragon in the house will double our luck ;)

Owing to last year's big move, this "project" is actually quite overdue. I know it sounds selfish of me but I've procrastinated because of career-related decisions. I was in the middle of two countries and as far as I perceived it, my job was not as stable as I wanted it to be. I wanted to make sure both hubby and I will be able to provide a comfortable life both for our present family plus the new addition (if ever), so we decided not to seriously pursue Baby #2.

These past few weeks, however, have seen us being less...ahem...careful in the hope that nature just takes its course. We're not getting any younger and time's certainly a-wastin'. Given that we're anticipating the blessing of another bundle of joy in the near future, I am now unsure of how I can travel to the US.

Both goals are equally important to me. So what's the best way to deal with a dilemma? Leave it up to the Divine Writer, of course.

I struck a deal with my Writer (as if I'm really in a position, hahaha!). I told Him, okay, if You feel it's time for me to settle all my personal issues, the stork will not be coming until after I'm done with the US trip. If, however, You want to tell me that the time is not yet ripe, then we will be welcoming a Dragon baby sometime around the 4th quarter of 2012.

The next few months will be a wait-and-see approach. In the meantime, I'll just apply for the US Visa in case He wants me to go exercise my retail privileges ;)

A major change and all those blessings in between

I can't believe it's almost the end of the year! It seems only last week when I was driven up the wall, packing all my stuff to go home to good old Manila, saying hasty goodbyes to everyone in Lah-Lah Land, and excitedly anticipating my first Christmas back home...and when I checked the calendar, it's been almost a year since then. 11 months, 3 weeks and 4 days ago, to be precise.

And so life goes on.

I am currently in the middle of yet another major change. Now that I think of it, some of the biggest changes in my life came around October/November. It was around that time 11 years ago that my ex-boyfriend and I decided to become a couple (and now I'm married to the guy!). This time last year saw me moving homes between two countries. And now I am in the midst of moving on to another job.

Well, not exactly moving on. Sort of a homecoming, I should say. I finally accepted an offer from the TV station I used to work with to rejoin them. Not as a talent anymore (not that I would mind), but as a regular employee that would allow me to work within the sphere I had been so used to for more than 10 years, yet be able to keep more reasonable hours (or so I hope). Coming home to Manila to go back to what I've loved doing all this time...I have no other way to call it but poetic justice.

But no matter how sweet the offer was, I was in a quandary for some time, thinking of ways of how to break it to my current employer. After all, there was no love lost between us when I decided to move countries. In fact, they have given me the most unheard-of and the most considerate employee arrangement I've ever found myself in: I was given the chance to keep my job abroad while working at home in Manila. I'd like to think I've done something right in all that time I was employed with them, because no ordinary person would deserve that. And no ordinary boss will just shell out that privilege for that matter.

And so now you understand why my resignation letter was just a blank white page for almost a week after signing the offer sheet from New Employer. I felt like a traitor.

But...

...my Divine Writer reminded me that following His plans does not make one a sell-out. One fine morning, I opened my office email and I found just the solution I was waiting for. My boss emailed me saying he needed to cancel my work permit as he had exceeded his quota for foreign workers. Of course, not being based there made me the best candidate because I didn't really need a permit to work/stay there anymore. Note that while he was saying he needed to cancel my work pass, he was still considerate enough to ask me what the implications would be on my end.

After reading the message, I felt it was the cue I was waiting for. If that wasn't Divine Intervention, I don't know what else is. And so I emailed him my resignation letter. (Fine, I know it isn't exactly within the boundaries of etiquette that one emails the boss her resignation letter...but, hey, this is an unconventional set-up and I place myself as an exception)

If you're curious about the contents of my letter, suffice it to say that I decided to come clean. I felt honesty was the way to go. So I told them I was given an offer to go back to my industry of choice, with a very good position, to boot. And that a work-at-home set-up was not as ideal as I thought it would be. Boss graciously accepted the letter and simply told me that "the possibility to pursue one's desire or aspiration is truly immeasurable." Awww :')

So that's Blessing Number 1. Going back to the old without burning any bridges. It feels great.

And as if that wasn't enough, we were given yet another surprise. Hubby got some unexpected recognition from his bosses for all his hard work. Without really going into the details (he hates it that I post so much about our lives online...), the recognition cemented, more than anything, that this is really where we're supposed to be.

And the biggest blessing of all...

(No, I'm not [yet] pregnant. I leave the timing to my Divine Writer.)

Hubby and I took a leap of faith and invested in our family's future. We bought a piece of property that we thought is a good buy. At first, we were having second thoughts because we felt we might not have enough resources to finance that. But, you know what, the Big Guy Up There wasn't quite finished with us. He proved yet again that when you follow His plans, He will provide. And provide the resources He did. And so we found ourselves signing contracts and issuing cheques like there's no tomorrow.

All these changes are a happy-kind-of-scary feeling. All the decisions we took in the past few months and weeks feel so grown-up.

However, we remain child-like in one matter: our faith. We believe we are on the right path, and when we stay positive, we witness that the universe conspires to listen to the quiet whispers of our hearts :)

Sad Day

iBelieve iSpeak for an entire generation when iSay iMourn the passing of an iCon.

Thank you, Steve Jobs, for putting the future in the palms of our hands. Rest well and Sync in Peace.

Photo from apple.com