I'm facing times of self-doubt. When I feel that the tasks I have on hand seem to be bigger than me. I feel on the verge of failure and it's scaring the hell out of me.
I've always been confident in work. This time, though, it feels different.
Why am I here? Why did He put me in this position? I am searching for reasons but the answers have yet to be revealed to me.
For the moment, I just look to my son for inspiration. To give me the drive to surmount the obstacles. Because at this point in time, I really have no choice but to swallow my fears, not to give in to despair and frustration, and to tell myself that I have to succeed no matter what.
I can do this. I can do this. I really, really can do this.
For my son.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
1st Day After the 31st
It's my first day of work after my 31st birthday.
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Monday, March 5, 2007
Heartbreaks
I've had a lot of heartbreaks over the last couple of weeks.
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
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