I noticed that I have become increasingly fatalistic as days pass.
People close to me know that I am not exactly religious. Quite an irony, especially since I was educated for most of my life in a Catholic school, and that my father's side of the family tree had their share of nuns and priests. Be that as it may, it doesn't mean that I am a non-believer. I think that I am in touch with my spiritual side, and I do treasure my personal relationship with my Divine Writer.
A lot of changes are happening on the family front. Things happened at a dizzying speed. We were totally unprepared, but strangely, the events seem to fall into place with precision. I am a firm believer that things are preordained, and this is no exception.
From my end, I face a lot of uncertainties. I have a lot of fears. I try my best to follow what I feel is the path my Divine Writer scripted out for me, but I am human enough to admit that I do feel lost sometimes. I do not understand some of the things that are happening now. I know, however, that I just have to keep my faith and trust that all things will be for the best.
After all, we were all promised that His plans were made to prosper us and never to harm us.
And so life goes on...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Coming Home
Tonight, my husband returns from a week-long business trip to Amsterdam. It will be his first time to be home after two long months.
Yes, you read that right. The business trip is just for one week. And he hasn't been home in two months.
Confusing? Okay, I'll explain.
My husband is an expat. He was recently hired by a Singapore employer to join them as a Demo Artist. The weird thing about that is he never applied for the job, nor did we ever plan to relocate to another country. The details would need a separate blog entry to be able to do justice to the beauty of the story, but that's the gist, more or less.
He found himself shuttling back and forth between Manila and Singapore since March this year, for interviews, exhibits, more interviews, and finally the employment confirmation. By the end of July, he found himself in the Lion City, quite alone.
It was a blessing that he was occupied with a number of out-of-the-country trips during his first month. Barely two weeks after he arrived, he and his team went to Malaysia for some training. A week after that, he found himself in Mumbai, India for still more training.
I would keep close tabs on him the entire time he was away -- especially if he was outside Singapore. We probably spent a small fortune on call cards, considering that he wasn't always online. He complained at one point that the return trips always felt empty. He knew he was supposed to be "coming home"...but to what? A foreign land. A hotel room, maybe. Or a flat shared with people he didn't know from Adam.
The places he stayed in held an almost clinical quality about them. It was a halfway house. It was somewhere he could put his things in while he was at work. It was a place where he could catch a few zzzz's, but ironically, would not make him feel refreshed or recharged at all.
The last week of August found me on a Singapore-bound plane. I finally gave in to my husband's increasingly urgent requests to be with him. He said that he found a flat for our family, at last, after weeks of poring over the internet and countless viewing schedules. But he would need my domestic engineering abilities to make it more liveable.
And so I went.
A few days ago, we were chatting online...I, in Singapore, and he, in Amsterdam. He said that this was the first time he felt excited about his return trip. Now, he felt certain that he is, indeed, coming home.
Interestingly enough, I found a beautiful caption in one of my Facebook friend's profiles. He went with his wife to Amsterdam on a pleasure trip, and in one of their photos in that faraway place, he said: "Travel with your soulmate and you'll never miss home."
To a certain degree, that's true. However, if he may allow, I will paraphrase his statement to fit my situation: "Be with your soulmate, and you will ALWAYS be home."
Welcome home, honey.
Yes, you read that right. The business trip is just for one week. And he hasn't been home in two months.
Confusing? Okay, I'll explain.
My husband is an expat. He was recently hired by a Singapore employer to join them as a Demo Artist. The weird thing about that is he never applied for the job, nor did we ever plan to relocate to another country. The details would need a separate blog entry to be able to do justice to the beauty of the story, but that's the gist, more or less.
He found himself shuttling back and forth between Manila and Singapore since March this year, for interviews, exhibits, more interviews, and finally the employment confirmation. By the end of July, he found himself in the Lion City, quite alone.
It was a blessing that he was occupied with a number of out-of-the-country trips during his first month. Barely two weeks after he arrived, he and his team went to Malaysia for some training. A week after that, he found himself in Mumbai, India for still more training.
I would keep close tabs on him the entire time he was away -- especially if he was outside Singapore. We probably spent a small fortune on call cards, considering that he wasn't always online. He complained at one point that the return trips always felt empty. He knew he was supposed to be "coming home"...but to what? A foreign land. A hotel room, maybe. Or a flat shared with people he didn't know from Adam.
The places he stayed in held an almost clinical quality about them. It was a halfway house. It was somewhere he could put his things in while he was at work. It was a place where he could catch a few zzzz's, but ironically, would not make him feel refreshed or recharged at all.
The last week of August found me on a Singapore-bound plane. I finally gave in to my husband's increasingly urgent requests to be with him. He said that he found a flat for our family, at last, after weeks of poring over the internet and countless viewing schedules. But he would need my domestic engineering abilities to make it more liveable.
And so I went.
A few days ago, we were chatting online...I, in Singapore, and he, in Amsterdam. He said that this was the first time he felt excited about his return trip. Now, he felt certain that he is, indeed, coming home.
Interestingly enough, I found a beautiful caption in one of my Facebook friend's profiles. He went with his wife to Amsterdam on a pleasure trip, and in one of their photos in that faraway place, he said: "Travel with your soulmate and you'll never miss home."
To a certain degree, that's true. However, if he may allow, I will paraphrase his statement to fit my situation: "Be with your soulmate, and you will ALWAYS be home."
Welcome home, honey.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Another Miracle
Last June 1, my best friend gave birth to her baby boy via c-section. The little baby was born at 35 weeks -- 2 weeks shy of being a full-term baby. Although, for a preemie, he was remarkably well...he weighed at 5lbs 5 oz, so that's not bad.
It really is a miracle for them (my friend and her husband) because they have problems conceiving. They have this rare condition where their genes are too much alike, so the mother's system, instead of nurturing the baby, rejects it. But given the odds, the Lord still found a way to bring the tiny being out into the world. Truly a miracle.
My husband and I visited them a day after. We were looking at the baby at the huggery, and we were amazed at how tiny he was. We were transported about a year back, when the tables were turned and it was I who just gave birth. It's funny because at about the same time last year, my best friend and her hubby were our visitors...looking at our tiny miracle from through the window. How fast time flies.
When we came home, I took my little angel into my arms and marveled at how big he has become after only a year. I found myself showering him with hundreds of kisses...with the thought that in several years' time, he would probably be too embarrassed to be kissed in front of his friends by Mommy. Sigh.
At least, for the time being, my friend and I can both enjoy our little miracles as long as they would allow us. And I guess that, deep in our hearts, they will always be that tiny baby that we cradled in our arms when He decided to bless our homes with their shining presence.
It really is a miracle for them (my friend and her husband) because they have problems conceiving. They have this rare condition where their genes are too much alike, so the mother's system, instead of nurturing the baby, rejects it. But given the odds, the Lord still found a way to bring the tiny being out into the world. Truly a miracle.
My husband and I visited them a day after. We were looking at the baby at the huggery, and we were amazed at how tiny he was. We were transported about a year back, when the tables were turned and it was I who just gave birth. It's funny because at about the same time last year, my best friend and her hubby were our visitors...looking at our tiny miracle from through the window. How fast time flies.
When we came home, I took my little angel into my arms and marveled at how big he has become after only a year. I found myself showering him with hundreds of kisses...with the thought that in several years' time, he would probably be too embarrassed to be kissed in front of his friends by Mommy. Sigh.
At least, for the time being, my friend and I can both enjoy our little miracles as long as they would allow us. And I guess that, deep in our hearts, they will always be that tiny baby that we cradled in our arms when He decided to bless our homes with their shining presence.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Breakthrough Moment
I just had a breakthrough while I was walking to my husband's office a while back.
I realized why I'm having problems with my current job. It's because I have to adapt to an existing system. In my previous jobs, I always had the leisure of doing things my way. I always started from scratch. But now, I have to pick up where others left off.
I guess this is where I will have to learn -- and unlearn -- some things.
It's also timely that I found a document a few days ago, near the photocopier in the office. Maybe my guardian angel placed it in my line of sight, just to offer me comfort and support:
"10 Tips on How to Succeed from Failure:
* Failure doesn't mean you are a failure...It does mean you haven't succeeded yet.
* Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing...It does mean you have learned something.
* Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool...It does mean that you had a lot of faith.
* Failure doesn't mean you've been disgraced...It does mean you were willing to try.
* Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...It does mean you have to do something in a different way.
* Failure doesn't mean you are inferior...It does mean you are not perfect.
* Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life...It does mean you have a reason to start afresh.
* Failure doesn't mean you should give up...It does mean you must try harder.
* Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it...It does mean it will take a little longer.
* Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...It does mean God has a better idea!
God looks at you and sees a beautiful person waiting to be born! If you could see in a vision the man God meant you
to be, never again could you be quiet...
You are God's idea and God only dreams up beautiful ideas. He is expecting great things from you. Cooperate! Believe
in yourself, now, and draw the possibilities out of your being."
Sound inspiring, doesn't it? I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I still have my moments when I feel lost half the time, when I feel like I'm committing a lot of booboos, and when I feel that the people around me swear I'm just plain stupid. But I guess I just have to keep rereading what I've written above, and prove that I can hurdle this.
It also helps, that, going back to my mobile phone's inbox, there are so many messages of support from people I hold dear in my heart...such as my good friends, my husband, and my mother. They absolutely believe in me. Sometimes, when I read their messages, I wonder why I have lost faith in myself, when all they can see is how fully-equipped I am to face up to the challenges.
Of course, when all else fails, I could always looks for a new job. But can I ever rest, knowing that I backed down?
It just takes a little more work than I anticipated, but -- for the moment -- it looks like I can lick this helluva job.
I realized why I'm having problems with my current job. It's because I have to adapt to an existing system. In my previous jobs, I always had the leisure of doing things my way. I always started from scratch. But now, I have to pick up where others left off.
I guess this is where I will have to learn -- and unlearn -- some things.
It's also timely that I found a document a few days ago, near the photocopier in the office. Maybe my guardian angel placed it in my line of sight, just to offer me comfort and support:
"10 Tips on How to Succeed from Failure:
* Failure doesn't mean you are a failure...It does mean you haven't succeeded yet.
* Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing...It does mean you have learned something.
* Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool...It does mean that you had a lot of faith.
* Failure doesn't mean you've been disgraced...It does mean you were willing to try.
* Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...It does mean you have to do something in a different way.
* Failure doesn't mean you are inferior...It does mean you are not perfect.
* Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life...It does mean you have a reason to start afresh.
* Failure doesn't mean you should give up...It does mean you must try harder.
* Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it...It does mean it will take a little longer.
* Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...It does mean God has a better idea!
God looks at you and sees a beautiful person waiting to be born! If you could see in a vision the man God meant you
to be, never again could you be quiet...
You are God's idea and God only dreams up beautiful ideas. He is expecting great things from you. Cooperate! Believe
in yourself, now, and draw the possibilities out of your being."
Sound inspiring, doesn't it? I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I still have my moments when I feel lost half the time, when I feel like I'm committing a lot of booboos, and when I feel that the people around me swear I'm just plain stupid. But I guess I just have to keep rereading what I've written above, and prove that I can hurdle this.
It also helps, that, going back to my mobile phone's inbox, there are so many messages of support from people I hold dear in my heart...such as my good friends, my husband, and my mother. They absolutely believe in me. Sometimes, when I read their messages, I wonder why I have lost faith in myself, when all they can see is how fully-equipped I am to face up to the challenges.
Of course, when all else fails, I could always looks for a new job. But can I ever rest, knowing that I backed down?
It just takes a little more work than I anticipated, but -- for the moment -- it looks like I can lick this helluva job.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Talking Myself into It
I'm facing times of self-doubt. When I feel that the tasks I have on hand seem to be bigger than me. I feel on the verge of failure and it's scaring the hell out of me.
I've always been confident in work. This time, though, it feels different.
Why am I here? Why did He put me in this position? I am searching for reasons but the answers have yet to be revealed to me.
For the moment, I just look to my son for inspiration. To give me the drive to surmount the obstacles. Because at this point in time, I really have no choice but to swallow my fears, not to give in to despair and frustration, and to tell myself that I have to succeed no matter what.
I can do this. I can do this. I really, really can do this.
For my son.
I've always been confident in work. This time, though, it feels different.
Why am I here? Why did He put me in this position? I am searching for reasons but the answers have yet to be revealed to me.
For the moment, I just look to my son for inspiration. To give me the drive to surmount the obstacles. Because at this point in time, I really have no choice but to swallow my fears, not to give in to despair and frustration, and to tell myself that I have to succeed no matter what.
I can do this. I can do this. I really, really can do this.
For my son.
Monday, March 19, 2007
1st Day After the 31st
It's my first day of work after my 31st birthday.
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Today, I started my post in my new company. It's a bit of an adjustment for me, coming in my corporate duds, waking up really early to make it at 8:30am, having no internet connection of my own. Sigh. It's like shoving into my face just how good I had it with my previous company. I'm going to miss it, for sure (the company and its perks).
Honestly, I felt a little intimidated with the amount of work looming over me. All of a sudden, I wasn't so sure whether I was cut out for it. Like maybe I bit off more than I could chew. It didn't help matters, either, that, not only will I be replacing the old manager within two weeks time...I'll also be losing her assistant, who so happens to be resigning by the end of the month, too. Great, just what I need, the workload of two people combined.
Pain, pain, pain...
But if I decide to look at the glass half-full, at least I know that it will be a challenging job. It's definitely miles apart from my usual humdrum life at my former office, where I just surf the internet the entire day, my life punctuated by the papers I have to sign or the memos I have to compose.
My new job also cemented what I, once upon a time, told my husband about his career path. He was complaining that he had so many seemingly unrelated jobs, and that if he knew he'd be landing in the industry, he shouldn't have spent so much time with his other stints. I told him that it wasn't true. See, he was a computer teacher for kids, a musician, a factory worker, a cutting-edge IT employee, among other things. I said, look at where you put all these things to use now. His patience with clients is infinite (owing to his teaching experience with kids), he definitely has rhythm in his edits (courtesy of his rockstar past), he's not afraid of dirty work (imagine he used to clean up factory dregs in the noonday heat), plus he's more computer-savvy than most other technicians in our former network (that's the IT part playing).
Everything adds up. God's plan is just plain foolproof.
So now, I am left doing the same internal debate with myself. Am I throwing away my 10 good years in the business? Did I just become a corporate sell-out?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
Or am I just talking myself into staying on?
Hmmm...is 31 too early for a mid-life crisis?
Monday, March 5, 2007
Heartbreaks
I've had a lot of heartbreaks over the last couple of weeks.
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
But they're not the heartbreaks I am accustomed to.
First, I unexpectedly found myself jobless. It broke my heart that the post I have held for the last three years of my life is gone. And what makes it even more depressing was that the post was dissolved, not on account of any misdemeanors on my part, but because my company is facing rocky times ahead. And this is a company I have grown to love. I even dared to dream that I had a long future in it.
I also found out that I have lost the heart of a freelancer. When I went back to the "real world", I simply felt that it is not my world anymore. I did not have the heart to face up to the competition again, not because I lost my guts, but because I had lost my heart to my new family. I did not want the cut-throat, dog-eats-dog sphere anymore. I wanted to go back to my comfortable cubbyhole that swarmed with friends who sincerely, honestly want to know how your day was. To the people who I spend majority of my time and efforts with. To the men and women who have become a part of my life. To those who stand as my son's second parents.
But, recently, I also realized that it is also during these trying times that, indeed, you discover who your real friends are.
And it made my heart break all over again when I found out who were my REAL friends and who were just passersby in my life.
Not because I did not want to keep those who have proven themselves real to me; far from it, I am very thankful for them.
It was because I sincerely expected everyone to be real. And therein lies the mistake.
When will my heart stop breaking?
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